Dont' Let Me Wake Up
by smp06185
Summary: "When will this get easier Dean?" Sam whispered and Dean had to rip his eyes off the traffic passing by and the over flow of bad memories flooding his brain to look up at his brother. "I don't know if it ever will Sammy..." rated M just to be sure.


This is angsty as all hell and has major character death but when I saw this picture...yeah. Had the hugest lump in my throat writing it. Whew!

So please, please let me know what you think! And if you have a fan art that you'd like turned into a story pm me!

I do not own anything related to Supernatural and the images I use are not mine, they are only my muses!

* * *

Magic... moments  
There're the things I will remember  
Where's the time we spent together... laughing  
Then you walk into my dream... dear  
And I see your face  
Young and so free, smiling at me  
So long since I've... had you near  
Now you've come back again  
Where the love never ends  
And you're right here  
When I think of you  
When I... need you, I just close my eyes  
And you're... here  
Right beside me when I'm lost in... shadows  
Of the memories of you... oh my dear  
Hold on... just for a while  
Hold on... hold on  
I try to forget the night that you left  
It's all so unreal, with you gone  
I can dream once again...  
Where the love never ends  
'Cause you're right here  
When I think of you

* * *

_"Why are we here Dean?" Cas asked looking at him with shining blue eyes. Dean smiled over at him before dipping his hand into his shirt pocket, fishing out a small key. Cas's eyes widened and his face broke out into a huge grin._

_"You...you didn't! Oh my god Dean!" Cas cried out snatching the key from his fingers. Dean chuckled watching him scramble from the car. He got out and followed slowly, letting Cas spin around to look at the trees surrounding their new home. _

_"Dean come on!" Cas called out and Dean hurried towards him, taking his hand as Cas unlocked the door. _

_"This is perfect!" Cas exclaimed bounding into the house. Dean had worked so hard to make this happen for Cas...his bestfriend...his husband...his everything. Leaning against the wall he watched Cas run around running long fingers along the wood panels and fireplace. He felt a jolt in his lower stomach when those excited blue eyes turned to him. _

_"I can't believe you did this...fuck I love you so much Dean," Cas said softly wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. Dean clung to him, never wanting to let go. There was a growing ache in his chest and it was hard to take a breath. Cas pulled away gently to cup his face, leaning in to kiss his lips chastely. _

_"What's wrong bug?" Cas asked and Dean smiled warmly at the nick name. He had hated it at first and even got into a fight with him but Cas had won out...he always did. It really wasn't Cas's fault that he got so damn clingy...and loved to snuggle with him any chance he got._

_"Never leave me Bee...I can't do this alone," Dean whispered and swallowed hard at the lump in his throat. Cas gave him the smile he only reserved for Dean...the one that showed all of his white teeth and crinkled his skin by his eyes. _

_"I'd never leave you Dean...ever," Cas whispered against his lips before pressing him into the wall, their chaste kiss turning into one of panic...the need to feel Cas's skin against his own._

_***POUND POUND***_

_"No...I don't want to leave yet...please Cas...let me stay!" Dean begged his fingers digging into his husband's shirt. There were tears in Cas's eyes as he cupped his face again._

_"I'd do anything to have you stay here..safe and happy...but you have to go now...but it's only for a little while," he said and Dean hugged him, pressing his face into his neck. Cas rubbed his back trying to soothe his trembling body._

_"I love you Castiel...please...let me stay here...I don't want to wake up," Dean whimpered and Cas held him tighter, whispering gently against his ear._

***POUND POUND POUND POUND***

"DEAN! Wake up!"

Dean's eyes slowly opened, wincing at the bright light from his open window. His huge bed was cold even with the warm sun beaming down at it. Frowning deep he sat up, fingers rubbing hard at his face. He ignored the fact that his face was wet, yet again, and stood, pulling on the discarded jeans he had thrown to the floor.

"Dean! Come on...wake up!" Dean glared at his front door and contemplated whether he should even let his moose of a brother in...this was the third time he interrupted his dream...didn't he realize this was all he fucking had anymore? Hell they made him get rid of all the material things...claiming it was unhealthy. Assholes..._assbutts_...he snickered to himself and finally forced himself to pull open the door.

"About time...next time keep your damn phone on," Sam grumbled moving past him into the living room. Dean stood there staring out the open door, the dream still in the forefront of his mind. He slammed it a little too hard and winced...Cas hated when he did that...He shook his head and followed his brother, giving him an annoyed look.

"What do you want Sammy?" Dean asked watching as Sam picked up a framed photo. No matter how much they begged...he just couldn't take everything down...he knew down deep they truely believed they were helping but they only made him worse. He just wanted to be left alone...

"Dean...you know what day it is...right?" Sam asked visibly swallowing at the lump in his throat. Dean frowned and nodded his head, holding up his hand to stop him from talking. There were tears brimming at Sam's eyes and Dean had to take a deep breath of his own to calm down.

"Of course I know what fucking day it is...how could I not? Sammy..." Dean sighed heavily falling down on the couch, "I'm sorry...everyone came over last night and...thought it was a good idea to berate me again for not..." Dean shot foreward burrying his face in his hands. Sam sat next to him, his long arm draping around his shaking shoulders. Dean couldn't handle this anymore...Sammy was the only one in his family who fought for him, who understood that he just couldn't throw away the life he had. His little brother had lost the most precious thing that night as well. His mother tried to be understanding of her sons at first but even she was starting to tell him...both of them...to just move on...get on with their lives.

How could he? How could Sam? It was hard enough to wake up in the morning and breathe...let alone just move on. Cas was his everything...and he was ripped away violently from Dean...no matter how hard he had tried to hold on...it was never enough.

"I'm sorry Dean...they...think they know what's best but...they don't understand...and they never will...but...we need to go...you promised me you'd go. I-I can't do this alone Dean...please?" Sam begged softly and Dean turned his tears stained face to look at his brother. He nodded and swallowed his own pain to at least be strong for his brother.

Once they arrived, Dean hesitated in the car...he didn't want to get out. It made everything too real...he just wanted to go back to sleep, then he could see...hear Cas again.

He finally managed to crawl out of the car, pulling the flowers out from the back seat. Cas loved every kind of flower...especially ones that Bees were attracted too. He had spent hours in their back yard working on the small garden for Cas only to have his husband pull him roughly to the porch anytime the bees would appear.

The silver wedding band around his finger felt heavy as he weaved through, finding his way towards the twin headstones. Sam was already there, crouching down to brush away the dead leaves and old flowers from Jess's. Dean swallowed hard and cleared off Cas's, his fingers tracing the etching of his name. Castiel James Winchester...Dean took in another deep breath, lying down the flowers.

A year...it had been a year since it all happened. Cas and Jess...being the beautiful, selfless and caring people he had ever had the privilege to know were volunteering at a homeless shelter. Jess had left the building to get more supplies from her car when someone attacked her, throwing her hard against the wall, her head smashing into the brick. Cas had come out to check on her and found the man rummaging through her car, Jess was unconcious and Cas...trying to protect his friend, got stabbed from behind by another man he hadn't even seen.

Jess stayed in a coma for a week before her heart gave out...Cas...he died during surgery. His older brother who was a surgeon at the time, had been on call at the hospital but the head doctors refused to let him work on his little brother. Dean still had nightmares at how broken Gabe sounded as he collapsed to the ground in tears. In his whole life of knowing that pain in the ass...it shattered what was left of his mangled heart. Afterwards Gabe quit...leaving without a word to anyone to disappear somewhere in Europe.

Sighing heavily he gently placed the flowers on the ground and walked away to give Sam his time to talk to Jess. He never talked to Cas's grave...he saved his words for when he dreamt.

He was standing over by the car, his eyes following the cars driving by when Sam stepped up next to him, his eyes bloodshot and weary. Dean pulled him in for a hug and held his brother as he sobbed heavily into his shoulder.

It was a while before Sam stood back up but the brother's didn't say anything...they didn't need too. They understood each other perfectly while the others tried to rip away the last of what they had. His dad had been the worst, barging into his house and shouting that Cas wouldn't have wanted Dean to just wither away...that he needed to get off the couch and get on with life. Cas was gone...and he wasn't coming back.

It was the first time he ever hit John but it felt good to see his dad stagger back holding a hand over his bleeding mouth. Did he really think he was that stupid? That he didn't know exactly what Cas would or wouldn't want? Ever since he could remember they had been together.

Even as they grew up and became two very different people they never let the other stray too far and it wasn't until he was in college in a completely different state that he realized how much he loved Cas. He was at a party, drinking too much and soon a girl was in his lap kissing at his mouth...but it wasn't what he wanted...not who he wanted. At the realization he practically threw the girl off his lap and drove his Impala to New York where Cas was living. When he saw him sitting under a tree reading one of the battered old books he loved so much Dean's heart had fluttered.

Those blue eyes met his and Dean knew that his very soul belonged to this man...he would give up anything and everything just to make sure Cas was happy. It never took much to make him smile though...being with Cas was like breathing...it was so easy and comfortable. By their 2 year anniversary Dean was ready and proposed and 3 months later they were married.

He had only gotten a taste of what life would have been like with Cas...6 months later he was gone and Dean wanted to curl up and be done with it all. They had so many plans...well mostly Cas had plans and ideas of what their life would be like...it was all gone. He had just started to come up for air a month later when his dad barged in and the next day Jo, Ellen and his mom came over to pack up Cas's clothes to donate. When Jo picked up the trench coat Dean snapped, screaming every obscenity he could think of until they fled his house.

He didn't leave his bed for 3 days...his body curled up around the damn thing like it was his last line to Cas. The dreams began then...and they started to help. He wasn't crazy...he knew damn well that it was only his sub concious and not really Cas...but it didn't change the fact that it was finally a little easier to breathe and get up in the morning.

When he found out their 'friends' pulled the same shit with Sam...Dean got angry and told them to fuck off and leave both of them alone. His mother really did try but once again...she picked up something of Jess's and Sam broke. Instead of curling into his mom's arms, he called Dean begging him to come over. Dean rushed over and against every will to comfort his crying mother, he kicked her out of Sam's apartment.

He found Sam in the same position but on the floor...around the broken pieces of a mask Jess had worn to a party where they met for the first time. Dean curled up behind Sam and held him close until his little brother was ready to come up for air.

They were finally left alone and Dean slowly got around to donating a very small portion of Cas's stuff. No one needed to know that the trench coat was under his pillow and that he clung to it every night like a security blanket.

"When will this get easier Dean?" Sam whispered and Dean had to rip his eyes off the traffic passing by and the over flow of bad memories flooding his brain to look up at his brother.

"I don't know if it ever will Sammy...as much as everyone is trying to drill into us that we need to get back out there and get over it...I really doubt i'll ever move on from this...that i'll always want him...no one else will ever come close," Dean said thickly swallowing back his tears. Sam nodded and chewed on his lip until it was raw and bleeding in some spots.

"I can't move on from this Dean...it's too fucking hard," Sam whispered and Dean nodded not knowing what else to say. Sam looked up with so much pain in his eyes Dean had to look away. Sleep...he just wanted to go back to sleep.

"Why don't we go back to my place...I'll attempt to make some food and we can just crash for the rest of the day," Dean offered and felt slight relief at the ghost of a smile on his brother's face.

Dean got into the car and headed for his house. The only thought he had was seeing Cas again in his dreams...he would finally have a little peace. Their light turned green and Dean inched forward.

"Dean watch out!" Sam screamed.

He had only a moment to turn his head and see the semi barreling forward before everything went white. It was so bright Dean couldn't see anything and it hurt his eyes...but it wasn't really pain...just a numbing discomfort. Where was he? Was Sam ok?

The white slowly faded, morphing into an open field with a cluster of flowers. Dean squinted and looked up at the sun...he expected to feel hot...or even just a little warm but it was perfect. Taking a few steps forward he could hear a soft humming near him. He opened his mouth to call out but stopped when he recognized the song...Hey Jude...it was something he had taken from his mother and used on Cas to calm him down. He followed the humming out of the open field and through some trees before finding himself staring at the lake...the very same one he, Cas, Sam and Gabriel had played in as kids...and where he propsed to Cas.

Frantically he looked around and sure enough he saw him...Cas...his beautiful Cas was sitting on one of the rocks with his feet dangling in the water. His eyes were closed and head thrown back a bit with a soft smile on his lips. Dean covered his mouth to keep from sobbing...god he had missed him so much! This wasn't a dream...it couldn't be. His dreams were of old memories replaying like an old movie.

"Bee..." he whispered and Cas jerked his head to his direction, his eyes widening.

"D-Dean? Is...is that really you?" Cas stammered scrambling to his feet quickly. Dean nodded and felt tears flowing from his eyes when Cas broke out into a run, their bodies crashing hard into each other. Dean felt a whimper rip from his throat when he could actually feel Cas...the warmth pressing against him made him shudder, his arms clinging tightly.

"Wait...No! Dean! No, no, no...you can't be here...If you're actually here then that means..." Cas pulled back breathing heavily and Dean cupped the sides of his face brushing away his tears with his thumbs.

"I know...I don't really know what happened...but I don't care...I couldn't do it baby...I just couldn't survive without you anymore Cas," Dean sobbed and Cas wrapped around him like the octopus that he was.

"I love you so much Dean," Cas whispered against his ear and Dean kissed him like he was a starved man. He didn't know how much time had passed but Cas pulled away just enough to look up at him.

"I want to show you something," he said and Dean nodded but didn't let go of him. Cas just gave him a warm smile before the scene around them changed. Instead of the lake he was at a beach and he frowned a bit but when he saw a girl lying out on the sand with long blonde hair, his breath caught in his throat. He wanted to call out to her but stopped when his brother stepped into his line of vision. It made his chest hurt knowing that Sam was here too...but the sudden cries of joy from the reuniting couple made the pain ease just a bit.

"Thank you..." Dean whispered and kissed Cas softly, both of them moaning against each other's mouth. Even when he felt the scene change again and they were back at the lake Dean couldn't let Cas go.

And this time he never had to.

* * *

_When I Think Of You - Journey_


End file.
